Grieving my mother's death

Last month has been a taxing month for me and my family. From mom being confined at the hospital June 1st, to passing away on June 18th of lung cancer, to being cremated June 22nd. I had to go back to work by the 26th but I was too tired physically and emotionally that I decided to go back to work by the 28th.

Everything was the same in the office and everything's also different. I got acquainted again with the same faces, same building, same road, same transportation, but I was a different me. How come that the same environment felt different? Something in me is missing. Later on, I realized that I have been missing an integral part of me, the one who has been with me during my 30 years of existence. I no longer have a mother. I lost a family and so I lost that part of my being. Up until this date my head still aches whenever I remember the day she passed away. That I was in the office, that I wasn't there with her, with my family. I went home expecting to see her but she was already sent to the funeral. I saw her the next day when she was sent home, caged in her coffin. I remember the last time I saw her before she was put inside the oven. That memory keeps on replaying in my head. Together with the fact that I hear a music playing from my parents' room every night when I arrive home. You see, my work ends at 11 PM and I usually arrive home at 1 AM. The time where I need to open the door and expecting to hear a classic music playing has been dreadful every night. I am looking forward to going home without hearing any music. Because that means that my father no longer needed something just to fall asleep.

I remember the funeral. Those three long nights. How I needed to repeat the story of how it happened. That she was diagnosed with lung cancer stage 4. How it quickly happened. It was less than a month. That I wasn't there when she left earth, that I was in the office. That I didn't get to see her the day she died. That I wasn't there, I was in the office. I wasn't there, I was in the office.

My head's pounding as I write this. My head aches when I remember, when I cry, when I feel this emptiness in my chest, while working, while on the way to work or on the way home. I honestly don't know what to do with this. I'd like to believe that I won't be like this forever. That time heals all wounds. That even though I may be different than the April I was before the month of June, I will be okay or hopefully better. But how can you be a better you without your mother? How can you be a better you when you very well know that a part of you is gone forever?

#grief #grieving #mother #death #pain #painful