Reasons To Live

If you're going to think of reasons to live, what would that or those be?

Family? Friends? A special someone? Food? Pets?

I was reading "The perks of being a wallflower" for the second time when I stumbled upon a part where Charlie said that he likes Twinkies and the reason why he thought of that was because his teacher asked them to think of reasons to live. He then mentioned about this rat or mouse experiment. That "a rat or mouse would put up a lot more voltage for the pleasure". It didn't make sense to Charlie but it did make a lot of sense to me.

I have this friend who is willing to take risks and risks and a lot more risks for something he thought would make him infinitely happy. He's willing to get hurt, to hurt someone or a few, unfortunately; and I think he's even willing to risk his own life just to get this sense of belonging, to love and be loved in return. And it's not because he's not loved. I know a lot of girls who have offered their hearts to him but he just declined. I can't say he's picky. Maybe it's just because he knows what he wants and he knows what to fight for. But also according to this book, "We accept the love we think we deserve." And I honestly think that he deserves more. But sometimes, I also think that maybe, he deserves less. Funny, isn't it? When you think you know someone then it turns out that you're not certain.

So I went back to asking myself of reasons to live. My first thought was my son. But there's no thrill in that because that's an obvious answer. I love my son because, well, just because. He is a part of me, forever. And I will forever be a part of him, I'm his mother.

So let's move on to reason #2, and that would be, my family. Losing a mother makes you realize how important your family is. How important they are in your life. I realized long time ago that you may choose to face your battles alone, but when all else fails, you go back to your family. You go back to your root.

Now I got to thinking of a third reason. Maybe a special someone? Maybe not? I don't have one to be honest so let's cross that out. Friends, then? So I thought of him again. The friend I talked about earlier. I thought that we will be best friends forever. That no matter what and no matter where and no matter who we're with, we would always have each other's back. Always. But, like I said he was willing to risks everything to achieve his pleasure. Unfortunately, he was also willing to give up friendship. I thought he is my best friend. I was wrong. It hurts to lose someone you fell in love with but that's something that you have already prepared for from the beginning. That's why they say loving someone is a gamble. But what hurts more is to lose someone you never thought of losing. Like your mother, or your best friend. It's wrong to make promises. Like how I promised to always be there. But when I got hurt, I realized that I love myself too much that I started to walk away. So perhaps, my third reason would be, myself. I am my own reason to live.

But that's not all. Not all friendship are great but some are. I have friends who I consider my family. Because, why not? So that's reason #5. Also, I consider mother nature a reason to live. She has always been my escape. The place I confide to when I feel suffocated in this jungle city. The only reason that is not a person but still something very beautiful. She may never speak aloud but she can make you feel things you've never felt before. You may not see her everytime but when you do, it's like meeting an old friend, or your old self. Sometimes I'd like to think that mother nature is my soulmate. Because if she is, then it's a lot easier to put the pieces back together when everything's dark, and terrible, and lonely. Just hike a mountain, or swim the ocean, or chase waterfalls and you're okay again. You're whole. She is my 6th reason to live.

It kind of surprised me that I was able to give reasons to live. I remembered when I was depressed that I kept on convincing myself that I was lucky to be alive but I felt the opposite. My depression went to the extent that I planned to end my life. I had my son, my family, specially back then my mother was still alive. I had friends, and mother nature, but they still didn't suffice.

I have come to a conclusion that you will be able to give a lot of reasons to live if you are grateful you're alive. And on the other hand, you won't even be able to give a single reason to live if you want to end your life. Now, I am more than grateful that I am in the right position to count the things that matter, that regardless of the struggles I can still lift the weight and go on with my life. Perhaps, there are moments when you need to feel like you have no one or nothing left. Perhaps you need to experience the wilderness for you to appreciate how beautiful the stars are, to be engulfed by the dark for you to see the light, to lose yourself for you to know who you really are. I'm glad I did. I'm grateful for this life.

Photo taken at Jomalig Island, Quezon Province