What I Realized Loving My Best Friend

I was on the bus when it started to rain cats and dogs. And as usual, a lot of thoughts came into my head. Like, all the things that has happened to me, losing mama, and Junjie getting into an accident.

He got into an accident the other day and I realized that, if things gotten worse, I would be more than willing to donate my internal organs just so he would continue to live. I don't want to lose another person I love. I know he would never want me to do this. He would feel a lot of pressure because he will never be able to love me as much I love him. And I remembered one time he told me "Wag tayo magbilangan" to not count the things we did for each other, after I told him that I was grateful he was there when I found out the news about my mom having lung cancer. He was there and he listened and I was really grateful. I don't understand why he said that. Maybe he feel pressured whenever I do things for him that he can never do for me. But I don't really mind. Because I did them not because I wanted him to appreciate me but because I know it will make him happy. And him being happy makes me happy too.

Loving my best friend - doing everything I can for him - made me realize that loving a boyfriend somehow makes you expect of what they can do for you. When you do something for a lover, you somehow expect that they would do the same or they would somehow do more. But when you start loving and appreciating a friend, you just do what you want to do. You give because you can, because you want to, because you love the person, and because making them happy makes you happy too. Then I remember telling him that he should find a woman that can love him way more than I can. And he will, I'm sure he will meet that someone and when that time comes. I will be very happy for him.

I wonder if I can love a guy more than I love my best friend. I wonder if there is someone out there for me. But if there is, I will love him. More than the way I love my best friend. And I won't hold back anymore. I will love him with all of me, without expectations, without restraint, with all my heart and with all my hypothalamus. I will love him more than I can and more than I loved my best friend.

#bff